Of Finding and Mending Me

Rm. 618, WCC - my halfway house (January 19 - March 20, 2007)

I am not sure where I am generating the courage now to actually write an account of a two year old distant past. Have I mustered the audacity and valor in a shady atmosphere that has already spanned two years?

January 19, 2009 marks the second anniversary of a tragedy that changed my life forever. Two years had drawn close since that day and maybe, just maybe, it is now time to let the pain go. I don’t even know if two years is too soon but I will try to fade the dim memories away.

Year 2008 was more of a healing year for me. It was a treacherous journey of finding, lifting, and mending myself. By a supreme power, I was sent angels and sentinels so to make the bumpy road still passable. He laid stepping stones across the raging river. My angels and my stones – these are the people who helped me pull through a life that has never been too kind.

Below is a list of people who cheered and are cheering me on, and some notes on why I deem them imperative to my repair.

1. My mother, Elizabeth. She has tremendously showed charity to me during the days I was in the hospital and the whole stretch of my recuperation and more so beyond. We might not have an A1 excellent mother-son relationship, but thank her for all that she has sacrificed for me. I regret it that I cannot be the son that she wishes me to be. I know I am difficult to love, but I will be forever grateful because you still do.
2. My dad, Rolando. I have always regarded him as my hero. I am thankful for all that he has sacrificed to make sure he delivered me good life. I feel sorry that I am not able to become the son he wishes me to be.
3. My sister, Den. My lifetime is not enough for me to let her know how grateful I am for all the things she has shared to me. This person stood up strong for me plenty a times. It is comforting to know that she is just there within my reach.

4. Dave, my siter's fiance. I am thankful for this man of faith for inspiring and encouraging me in so many ways.
5. The Guanzons. The whole pack. I forgot something was painful every time they were in the hospital to see me. Laughter-is-the best medicine holds true.
6. Sirach and Juna. For the times they brought the kids to the hospital. The dimension of the hospital room changes every time Gel and Johan were there.
7. Nini and Felvs. This couple has spent all their days off from work for the whole two months to see me in the hospital. They even spent Valentines ’07 in my hospital room. Thank you, because those visits meant a lot to me. Wedding plans were practically sketched in my hospital room (laughs). I still regret it until now that I was not able to host your wedding program. Glad to have done the toast, though.
8. My Ninang Wealthy. She is my number one fan. I am grateful to this wonderful person for being my strength all through out.
9. My Ninang Wealthy’s family, Kuya Mario, Jam, Martie, and JP. Especially JP – loved the prayers.

10. My EFY Family. Ate Len, Ate Ron, Ria, and Zen - These people have been one of my main sources of fun and strenth. I tahnk them for everything, including the Sodoku. Kuya Deo - who was far across my reach then, texting all the way from Japan, making me laugh.
11. Anna Mae. It was God’s blessing that she was already my boss during that time. I am forever grateful for her tremendous support and love. Things were crazy in the office back then, but she was never too tired to assist me with everything I needed for the filing of my leaves and benefit claims. She also made sure I had a job to go back to. Mae has turned my worries to lemon drops.
12. UP chums – July, Yna, Anne, AJ. My old friends who came to see me right away the moment they knew of what happened.
13. People from the Quality who paid me visits – Pau, Mitch, Glory, Reb, Phing, Chloe, Darlene, Marlon, Boibits, and Rose. They deemed me worthy of their time. I knew how busy in the office during those times was, but these friends of mine managed to see how I was.
14. People from Training who paid me visits – Jan, Allan, Bee (and Mark), Monty, Duane (and Majo), and Ron.
15. People from the office who were not able to see me, but texted forever, wanting to know how the going was – Jiro and Reggie.
16. My Chase trainees, waves 11 – 21. Coming back to the office from my hiatus was such a blast because of them, my boys!
17. My PayPal Trainees, Waves 36 – 42. I have won lots of new friends from this pack.
18. Jayson. He is one of the best friends I made in the recent years. I began my close correlation with him when I reported back to work, practically still sick. Working with him as my boss was like a therapy. He will always be significant in my getting-better. Agyaman. When I was in a bumpy situation latter part of last year, he offered me a half-way house.
19. Yuri. For being the kind of friend he is to me.
20. Ryan. For everything that went well… and for those that did not, I am thankful to this man. You are still one of my best buds. Tita Dalen, Lola (who is now looking down on me from where she is), and Manang – they are family to me, and it will remain that way.

I have been carrying a baggage which is too big for me to carry alone. I am glad there are people who have been putting on my yoke from time to time to make sure I make it.

Maybe two years is too soon for the picture to become a faded memory… But now, I am seeing streaks of mist. Good sign? Maybe, just maybe…

Of Mismatches Made in Heaven & Wishes Made Upon Someone Else's Star - Chronicles of Unrequited Love (Part 4)

In your hands is a very precious creation so fragile, so valuable that if you keep on holding it, it either stays or falls apart. But you love this creature so much that letting it go would be comparable to letting go of your life as well, so much that sometimes you wished it would always be there, so much that you tend to be selfish so as you could make it stay for as long as you want.

There comes a time in our lives we chance upon someone so nice and almost perfect and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attached to that person (sometimes even without realizing it). This feeling soon becomes a part of our daily lives and eventually guzzles our thoughts and actions to the extent that we lable it as one of those too-good-to-be-true- things. Then, in our desperate attempt to get closer, our efforts are still futile and we still feel sorry for ourselves.

I heard it said, “Never let your heart run your life". As much as you can, always be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Try to listen not merely on what your feelings are evoking, but more importantly listen to reason as well. Letting go of someone doesn't necessarily mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow the person to find his/her own happiness without expecting him to come back or in some worse cases, love you back.

Letting go is not just letting the other person free in the real sense of it, but it is also setting yourself free from all animosities, hostility, and resentments that have been lingering long in your heart. You have to let go because the bitterness often diminishes the strength and weakens the little hope left, making our lives more miserable than ever.

If I lost you today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If I lost love that doesn't mean I failed in love, probably it was another mismatch in heaven.…or I just might have wished on someone else’s star.

Chronicles of Unrequited Love (Part 3)

If people love you, be thankful that you're one of the few whom certain people chose to show their emotions to. Love does not demand to be loved back but it doesn't mean it exists to be taken for granted. If you can't return the love you are given, don't let it linger to grow alone. If you don't want it, refuse kindly.

Love may not demand but it also deserves a heart that will better understand.

Of So-Longs and Farewells

I realize that the most important events in my life do not end up being chronicled in here. There are a number of reasons for that. For one, some of them are just too personal to tell, while others just cannot be properly captured by words, at least not by my being a pseudo-writer. Not yet. Another reason is that the event is too emotionally significant, so near the fact that putting it to words is too painful. By the time it feels better, many of the finer details, which are often the ones that matter most, are lost to time and the fallibility of human memory.
Some of these still make it in here, but they end up being half-hearted, just written for the sake of being written so as to avoid losing, but not truly captured. I will do my best to ensure that this latest event does not attend this latter category.

Last Tuesday, a major change in my career history has taken place. Chase Card Services, the account I have been supporting for the past three years bade goodbye to the company. This meant a lot to me. I pioneered the account and it was where I developed in my career. It did not actually post as a threat to my career as I was automatically absorbed by my current mother campaign. What I am sappier about is that I had to say goodbye to a group of people which I deem not just colleagues but are dear friends which (for most times) felt like family. The only consolation is that I am not really saying goodbye to any of these people because I can still keep up with them as they will just be transferred to other home accounts. But of course, it will be a lot different from what we have been used to.

You know how it feels like when a time and place get to you? Reaching the end, I would not want to overdo the describing how-it-feels. I am afraid I might not pull it off just right. Chase has been our home, and we are a family. Now the home has crumbled and we are now orphans, most of us seeking new shelters. The times at Chase will surely be missed. The tough times, (and there were a lot..), and the sad ones that made strong mud and wood for the home. What I miss the most is the larger and brighter part of the pie – the laughing-out-loud moments. The times when we laughed our hearts out, almost dying due to lack of oxygen – and we liked it. I will surely miss the moments when we worked our asses out, meeting deadlines, audits and all. There are a lot to look back to. Now, everything is history.

To the people I crossed shoulders with because of Chase:
Alvin – my ex-protégé/partner/horse-playing-partner. I wish Chase times were longer so I can make you ache ‘til you drop.
Paula – One of my best friends. We made our way in our careers almost together. My confidant, my excel guru. My go-to girl!!

The ones who went ahead before the official closing:
Glory – my kumare/gossip-partner/shock absorber/reports generator/QA orienteer
Reb – my dear friend/the evil step sister/reports generator/shock absorber/report generator/last minute guy/gal/QA orienteer.

Jiro - my crazy moments partner. Thank you for sharing with me the art of gossiping! (laughs)
Kath – Laughing buddy/Performance reviews-partner. Darn, I will miss the Tuesday WPRs!!

The verifiers – the times shall surely be missed.

To the coaches and mentors who hastened my job in making sure new associates perform, you guys are awesome!

The leaders whom I learned a lot from, I salute you!! It has been great working with you.

I know that this parting of ways is a necessary step for each of us. Yes, this chapter of our lives holds so many amazing times that makes it difficult to leave behind. The more I think about it, the more I realize, that these times should be given the opportunity to continue someday. Company Accounts are not forever, but friendships can be.

Life makes wonders. The same paths that say we must part ways may yet be the ones which will bring us together again.

For all that has been, and for all that still will be….

ISANG TAOS-PUSONG PASASALAMAT.

Of Hugs and Kisses (not the chocolate kind)

I had my most-number-of-hugs-in-a-day last Friday, December 21. It was my last day at work before Christmas break. I got to hug and be hugged by people dear to me as we exchanged our merry christmases. I came to realize that embracing is one of my most-liked gestures of affection. The hugs (most of which accompanied by kisses) made me feel warm and comforted. Maybe inside I am still crying… and embraces unconsiously are the taps and touches on my back telling me, hush now.

- Posted on my Friendster Blog - http://lyndsagdy.blog.friendster.com/, some one year ago.

* * *

Today, I bumped into one of the best friends I have, Mon Ruiz - my batchmate. It has been ages now since I last saw this lad. I remember Mon being one of those I used to borrow strengths from during when the times were difficult years back. I wished to solicit strength from him again last two years ago, only, we lost contact.

I was walking my way to PBO yesterday when a car pulled over at my side then, lo and behold! - there was Mon. He was in a hurry but said he was thrilled to see me so he had to quickly stop. We did not talk much because ot the very little time we had, as I was also in a bit of a rush myself. We just hugged a long hug and echanged contact info.

I felt I wanted to cry. Maybe there's still a tinge of struggle inside me that I wanted to sob to this friend.

Maybe inside I am still crying… and embraces unconsiously are the taps and touches on my back telling me, hush now.

Of Damp Days and Rainbows

5:30 AM today, when I went out of the office it was raining. The streets were damp and I think I smiled when I saw on my way home, two schoolgirls walking under the rain dressed in raincoats and holding their umbrellas over their heads. I wish I could do that - walking under the rain, only I would be soaked to the skin and I would love to do the walking with my Adored One - like I have one (right, Clint?). What would make it even more vivid is when there’s a huge rainbow in the sky. I actually looked up, wishing there was a rainbow. I laughed inside because I was educated early on in my childhood that first, it needed to stop raining and the sun to come out before the multihued adornment can show.

I don’t have any idea why the thought of rainbows unexpectedly filled my head. Maybe my psyche is warning me, I need to add dimensions to my otherwise mundane life… and fill my being with bright hopes.

I have got one wish. I hope, the next time I see a rainbow, it would stay for a long while because it has been long since. I bet I will see and hear Judy Garland singing over at its end:

SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW,
WAY UP HIGH
THERE’S A LAND THAT I HEARD OF ONCE IN A LULLABY,
SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW,
SKIES ARE BLUE,
AND THE DREAMS THAT YOU DARE TO DREAM
REALLY DO COME TRUE

PS: I just need to put this bit for Clint:

Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.
-James Matthew Barrie

And because of this quote, let this post be:

Chronicles of Unrequited Love Part 2. : )

Chronicles of Unrequited Love (Part 1)

"And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind - the one that almost kills its victims. It’s called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmases, the worst Birthdays, New Years Eves brought in by tears and Valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh God, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms."

- A quote from The Holiday that kind of hits far too close to home.

For the past days, I have been regularly speaking with one of my dearest friends Clint Donray Agoncillo. This friend of mine is going through a tough time right now, which I believe, he can get way past with ease and pride if he played his cards well enough. He is in the so-common state of unrequited love. I myself have had my fair share of this story, that when it comes my way again, I am determined to face it with a whole new attitude. I love myself better now. When by accident I stepped on that slippery slope, I will… I will… hmmmm… I don’t know (laughs).

As for now, let this post and the next few sequels of it, be my tribute to Clint and others who might be in the same circumstance of unreciprocated love. Some of the posts preceding this one will speak about...UNREQUITED LOVE.