Saturday, January 31, 2009

Of Finding and Mending Me

Rm. 618, WCC - my halfway house (January 19 - March 20, 2007)

I am not sure where I am generating the courage now to actually write an account of a two year old distant past. Have I mustered the audacity and valor in a shady atmosphere that has already spanned two years?

January 19, 2009 marks the second anniversary of a tragedy that changed my life forever. Two years had drawn close since that day and maybe, just maybe, it is now time to let the pain go. I don’t even know if two years is too soon but I will try to fade the dim memories away.

Year 2008 was more of a healing year for me. It was a treacherous journey of finding, lifting, and mending myself. By a supreme power, I was sent angels and sentinels so to make the bumpy road still passable. He laid stepping stones across the raging river. My angels and my stones – these are the people who helped me pull through a life that has never been too kind.

Below is a list of people who cheered and are cheering me on, and some notes on why I deem them imperative to my repair.

1. My mother, Elizabeth. She has tremendously showed charity to me during the days I was in the hospital and the whole stretch of my recuperation and more so beyond. We might not have an A1 excellent mother-son relationship, but thank her for all that she has sacrificed for me. I regret it that I cannot be the son that she wishes me to be. I know I am difficult to love, but I will be forever grateful because you still do.
2. My dad, Rolando. I have always regarded him as my hero. I am thankful for all that he has sacrificed to make sure he delivered me good life. I feel sorry that I am not able to become the son he wishes me to be.
3. My sister, Den. My lifetime is not enough for me to let her know how grateful I am for all the things she has shared to me. This person stood up strong for me plenty a times. It is comforting to know that she is just there within my reach.
4. Dave, my siter's fiance. I am thankful for this man of faith for inspiring and encouraging me in so many ways.
5. The Guanzons. The whole pack. I forgot something was painful every time they were in the hospital to see me. Laughter-is-the best medicine holds true.
6. Sirach and Juna. For the times they brought the kids to the hospital. The dimension of the hospital room changes every time Gel and Johan were there.
7. Nini and Felvs. This couple has spent all their days off from work for the whole two months to see me in the hospital. They even spent Valentines ’07 in my hospital room. Thank you, because those visits meant a lot to me. Wedding plans were practically sketched in my hospital room (laughs). I still regret it until now that I was not able to host your wedding program. Glad to have done the toast, though.
8. My Ninang Wealthy. She is my number one fan. I am grateful to this wonderful person for being my strength all through out.
9. My Ninang Wealthy’s family, Kuya Mario, Jam, Martie, and JP. Especially JP – loved the prayers.
10. My EFY Family. Ate Len, Ate Ron, Ria, and Zen - These people have been one of my main sources of fun and strenth. I tahnk them for everything, including the Sodoku. Kuya Deo - who was far across my reach then, texting all the way from Japan, making me laugh.
11. Anna Mae. It was God’s blessing that she was already my boss during that time. I am forever grateful for her tremendous support and love. Things were crazy in the office back then, but she was never too tired to assist me with everything I needed for the filing of my leaves and benefit claims. She also made sure I had a job to go back to. Mae has turned my worries to lemon drops.
12. UP chums – July, Yna, Anne, AJ. My old friends who came to see me right away the moment they knew of what happened.
13. People from the Quality who paid me visits – Pau, Mitch, Glory, Reb, Phing, Chloe, Darlene, Marlon, Boibits, and Rose. They deemed me worthy of their time. I knew how busy in the office during those times was, but these friends of mine managed to see how I was.
14. People from Training who paid me visits – Jan, Allan, Bee (and Mark), Monty, Duane (and Majo), and Ron.
15. People from the office who were not able to see me, but texted forever, wanting to know how the going was – Jiro and Reggie.
16. My Chase trainees, waves 11 – 21. Coming back to the office from my hiatus was such a blast because of them, my boys!
17. My PayPal Trainees, Waves 36 – 42. I have won lots of new friends from this pack.
18. Jayson. He is one of the best friends I made in the recent years. I began my close correlation with him when I reported back to work, practically still sick. Working with him as my boss was like a therapy. He will always be significant in my getting-better. Agyaman. When I was in a bumpy situation latter part of last year, he offered me a half-way house.
19. Yuri. For being the kind of friend he is to me.
20. Ryan. For everything that went well… and for those that did not, I am thankful to this man. You are still one of my best buds. Tita Dalen, Lola (who is now looking down on me from where she is), and Manang – they are family to me, and it will remain that way.

I have been carrying a baggage which is too big for me to carry alone. I am glad there are people who have been putting on my yoke from time to time to make sure I make it.
Maybe two years is too soon for the picture to become a faded memory… But now, I am seeing streaks of mist. Good sign? Maybe, just maybe…









Of Mismatches Made in Heaven & Wishes Made Upon Someone Else's Star - Chronicles of Unrequited Love (Part 4)

In your hands is a very precious creation so fragile, so valuable that if you keep on holding it, it either stays or falls apart. But you love this creature so much that letting it go would be comparable to letting go of your life as well, so much that sometimes you wished it would always be there, so much that you tend to be selfish so as you could make it stay for as long as you want.

There comes a time in our lives we chance upon someone so nice and almost perfect and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attached to that person (sometimes even without realizing it). This feeling soon becomes a part of our daily lives and eventually guzzles our thoughts and actions to the extent that we lable it as one of those too-good-to-be-true- things. Then, in our desperate attempt to get closer, our efforts are still futile and we still feel sorry for ourselves.

I heard it said, “Never let your heart run your life". As much as you can, always be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Try to listen not merely on what your feelings are evoking, but more importantly listen to reason as well. Letting go of someone doesn't necessarily mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow the person to find his/her own happiness without expecting him to come back or in some worse cases, love you back.

Letting go is not just letting the other person free in the real sense of it, but it is also setting yourself free from all animosities, hostility, and resentments that have been lingering long in your heart. You have to let go because the bitterness often diminishes the strength and weakens the little hope left, making our lives more miserable than ever.

If I lost you today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If I lost love that doesn't mean I failed in love, probably it was another mismatch in heaven.…or I just might have wished on someone else’s star.